The Only Joke Is On The Audience

Every penny that “Scary Movie V” earns is cinematic blood money, looted from the pockets of unsuspecting moviegoers, no matter how low their expectations. Low expectations are still expectations. “Scary Movie V” doesn’t even exert the minimum amount of effort, throwing uninspired gag after uninspired gag at us, hoping one of them will stick. Amazingly, none of them do. The only satisfaction to come from the experience is in seeing how good the cast and crew are at failing. Over and over again.

The oft-delayed fifth film in a labored series, “Scary Movie V” possesses a savant-like ability to quiet a room. Watching the film with other people is like attending a family reunion gone terribly wrong. A room full of happy, buzzing people quickly turns silent when Aunt Mildred starts talking about how much she hates certain minorities. Not that “Scary Movie V” is racist – well, it is a little racist – but it’s sure to evoke deafening silence in most rooms it plays. Adding the sound of crickets to the end of each gag would only improve the film.

The film timely mocks “Black Swan,” “Inception,” “The Rise Of The Planet Of The Apes,” and – wait, those films are all from 2010 and 2011. Never mind. The rest of the parodies (“Mama,” “Evil Dead,” etc.) were hastily shot months ago to make the picture seem semi-current, but it just underscores the fact that nobody involved cared about the final product. At all.

The jokes vary from the gross-out variety to the gross-out variety, and the film lithely makes use of the latest craze in cinematography – slightly speeding up the film for a comical fast-motion effect! Seeing Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan in silly sex positions at an increased rate of speed to the soothing strains of “Yakety Sax” is sure to win over audiences of all ages!

“Scary Movie V” is the most painful theatrical experience I’ve had in many years. The urge to walk out was ever-present, as was the hope that I was being pranked. I wondered if I was seeing an alternate cut that was sent to a handful of theaters as a joke. And while I’ve suffered through each of its four predecessors, it wasn’t like this. The entire cast and crew should be embarrassed and ought to do their next film for free. Assuming it isn’t “Scary Movie VI.” For the love of God, avoid this film and anyone who claims to like it. It’s bad news.

-J. Olson

Rating: 1/2 star out of ★★★★★ (Garbage)

Release Date: April 12, 2013
Studio: Dimension Films (The Weinstein Company)
Director: Malcolm Lee
Screenwriter: David Zucker, Malcolm Lee
Starring: Ashley Tisdale, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, Snoop Dogg, Katt Williams, Molly Shannon, Terry Crews, Simon Rex, Jerry O’Connell, Sarah Hyland, Katrina Bowden, Tyler Posey, Shad Moss aka Bow Wow, Kate Walsh, Heather Locklear, Mac Miller, Mike Tyson
MPAA Rating: PG-13 (for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some drug material, partial nudity, comic violence and gore)