MAN OF STEEL
Dishonorable Mention – How did it all go so wrong? Oh, yeah. David Goyer. His screenplay is a disaster and along with Zack Snyder’s unbearably gloomy direction, the result is an inexplicably dour 2.5 hour disservice to the character. The performances are all over the place, the product placement (IHOP!) is completely distracting, and the third act encapsulates everything that’s wrong with the genre. I have yet to read a single persuasive argument in favor of the film. It’s across-the-board terrible.
Original Review: Man Of Steel
NOW YOU SEE ME
Dishonorable Mention – “Now You See Me” is more of an ad campaign than a film, and audiences foolishly bought into the surface level charm of its cast and its excessive use of CGI. Never mind the idea that magic is supposed to, you know, look real. There isn’t a genuine bone in the film’s body, visually or otherwise. A terrible film that made lots of money it didn’t deserve to make.
Original Review: Now You See Me
Dishonorable Mention – Far and away the biggest yawner of 2013. It doesn’t even sniff excitement. Throw a dart at your DVD collection and you’ll do far better. Even if you miss and hit a friend or a relative, you’ll have a much better story to tell.
Original Review: Paranoia
THE LAST STAND
Dishonorable Mention – Oh, Arnold. Wedged in between the perfectly acceptable “Expendables 2” and reasonably entertaining “Escape Plan” was this dud. I can forgive but I never forget. This wouldn’t even be worthy of Seagal’s “talents.”
Original Review: The Last Stand
Dishonorable Mention – This shouldn’t exist. And as far as I’m concerned, it doesn’t. Watch the original and leave it at that.
Original Review: Evil Dead
The Bottom Five:
5. PAIN & GAIN
Michael Bay is not a terrible director – at least on a technical level – but he is a terrible judge of just about everything else. Hence, his willingness to take on such a tacky, hollow, morally repugnant true story – and try to turn it into a broad comedy. I am not easily offended, but this did the trick. It’s like a car crash except it’s really, really easy to look away. That’s the recommended course of action.
Original Review: Pain & Gain
4. WHITE HOUSE DOWN
When “Olympus Has Fallen” hit theaters in April, I knew “White House Down” would have to be special to usurp it as “worst White House invasion movie of 2013.” It turns out that “special” was the perfect word. “White House Down” bombed at the box office, and watching it, it’s not hard to see why word of mouth was so bad. You’ve seen it all before, but not quite this bad. 10 years from now, it will be entirely forgotten. But why wait that long? It’s already been entirely forgotten.
Original Review: White House Down
The elusive boring car chase movie! Car chase movies are hard to get right but even harder to get this wrong. This wouldn’t have been remotely interesting on HBO in the mid 90s. Now it’s barely worth acknowledging. I can feel the dopamine levels in my brain receding just thinking about it. Enough already.
Original Review: Getaway
2. MOVIE 43
My feelings exactly, Richard Gere. The story of how this was made is infinitely more interesting than the finished product. If you must, sample a scene or two on YouTube and call it a day. Or don’t. Yeah, don’t.
Original Review: Movie 43
1. SCARY MOVIE V
Re-read this sentence ten thousand times in a row and you will have had more fun than spending 90 minutes with “Scary Movie V.” Or do just about anything other than watching “Scary Movie V” and you will have had more fun than watching “Scary Movie V.”
Original Review: Scary Movie V
Stay tuned for my “Best Of 2013” list – coming this week!